I have been debating on whether or not I wanted to blog about something very private to me. My friend Liz shared about her anxiety, it prompted me to share about how I am bipolar and have anxiety. I had known for quite some time that I had anxiety i had been on and off medicines but never really had stuck to it. I would have random outbursts of anger, and then snap right out of it. It would happen for days on end. Then I would be perfectly fine. I would go from angry to having so much energy I wouldn't sleep for days. In the fall of 2014 I decided I was going to see a doctor because I had been up for several days straight and I was having several other wild emotions. I did go see a psychiatrist, and it was determined I was bipolar. I was very embarrassed. I didn't want people to know, I thought "people are going to think I am crazy!" While talking to my doctor about it. He told me it took a lot of self pride to go to the doctor, and admit i needed to get help. I did eventually tell my parents. I have been on some medicine for quite some time now. I will say I am a lot better of now. I do have my days when I am just super energetic and feel like the energizer bunny! Along with bipolar I have anxiety really bad. I get nervous in crowds so i will get super quiet, I have this fear of losing people in stores, therefore I don't like to be separated from them. I am a people pleaser I want to please everybody and make sure everybody is doing good. I love to just help people and do kind gestures for them. Along with this anxiety, I just constantly worry about getting on people's nerves, or talking to much. I do know its annoying. I always feel the need to apologize even when I haven't even done anything. I just feel the need. I am working on saying sorry to people. Being bipolar my mind just runs constantly. I go from thinking one thing and talking about one thing to talking about something else in a split second. When i lay down at night i have to tell my mind- Emma it's time for bed now time to shut down and quit thinking. I repeat this over and over until I fall asleep! I try to gather my thoughts, and stay on topic its pretty hard to do! I am normally always on a energy high though, I can go go go, and do, do, do. Eventually it does come crashing down and you just feel all these emotions. That is the hard part. I go weeks on weeks feeling great, trying to encourage people, trying to remain positive. When I come crashing down, its normally over something pity. I get down and out for maybe a week or two. During this time I am super quiet, I don't like to be around people, and I just like to ponder on it. I have learned pondering on it does no good. You just need to normally talk it out with a close friend or family member. You need to be able to trust whom ever you talk to. My family and close friends know I am bipolar and they are always there for me and lift me up when I am just down. I have learned a lot from this diagnosis. I don't let it define me. I try and encourage others who struggle with anxiety and bipolar. If i can be a listening ear and encouragement to someone, my gift is done. One of my gifts is to encourage people and just care for them no matter what. It has took a lot of self pride to admit my bipolar,but now i know what is going on with my moods, anxiety, and energy! Never be afraid to get help, don't let self pride get in the way.
This is the life of Emma!
