Life is tough.. when you hit rock bottom

Life these days

Life sometimes gets you down and out. It can also make you hit rock bottom. I am not writing this for a pity story. I would also like no judgement or gossiping over it. I just want others to know that there is hope and people do care.  Over these past few months I have been struggling pretty bad. I haven't told anyone, because everybody is always just so busy and I didn't want to be a burden. It makes me feel so weak when I try and vent to others. I just feel like the biggest burden ever. I would text my friends and want to talk to them and see if I could maybe vent to them. I would always just never mention it. So, when I started feeling just defeated it caused me to hate life, and I mean literally. I was so miserable and I was at rock bottom.  About 2 months ago I began praying God will just kill me in my sleep I was so miserable in my life. It wasn't working, so I decided to begin planning on how I could commit suicide. I had not tell a soul. I didn't want anybody knowing. About 3 weeks ago I had my plan ready, I had not told a soul, I wont go into detail on how I tried. I will tell you it didn't work, I am still struggling with it right now. I have good days and I have bad days. I decided I wanted to get help that one Sunday on November 22, I went to Vanderbilt and had myself admitted for it. I swallowed my pride and did it. I do know I did do the right thing. It was honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done. At times I do still hate life but I know it will get better. I do know Christ was right there with me and he carried me through treatment. I am now in a partial program so I can learn how to cope with items and not hit rock bottom. I know I have posted several months ago about being bipolar, and so I went on a manic episode. One of the favorite verses I read during the hospitalization was Moroni 7:33.

The journey may be long and scary but I do know I can over come this. If you ever get to that low point I encourage you to reach out. I almost waited to long. Mental illness is a real thing. This process will be long and I know I will have down moments, but with the love and the support of my family and friends I can get through them. I just ask people be patient with me.

I will leave you with this quote " Despite what my mental illness may tell me , I can love myself and my life again.

PS.

The Atonement is real

xoxo,

Emma Lou

The struggle with self image.

I feel like we all deal with self image. Most of the times we aren't happy with our bodies. I won't lie I am one of them. Some thoughts are- Am I to fat? Are my teeth white and straight? Does make-up make me look better. Does this outfit make me feel pretty.
Here lately I have been struggling pretty bad with it. Most of you know I have Crohn's Disease and my weight has been fluctuating lately. It has me concerned- My thighs look huge. My stomach has too big of a pooch. My face looks super fat. I know it's all in the head. Whenever we have these thoughts, it brings us down. We feel like our self image is terrible. Nobody will like me since I look like this. The mirror can be so deceiving.
I have been doing a lot of praying that God will help me get past this. I do know that God made us all the way he wants us. He gave us each our bodies, and personality's he wants us to have. When we look down on ourselves it's hard to get out of that slump. Just remember we are all beautiful. When you look in the mirror- tell yourself I am beautiful and worth it! It's not what you see in the mirror it's on the inside of how you love and see yourself.

This image is correct!!! love yourself even when it's hard!
I'll leave with us with this!

The life of Emma

I have been debating on whether or not I wanted to blog about something very private to me. My friend Liz shared about her anxiety, it prompted me to share about how I am bipolar and have anxiety. I had known for quite some time that I had anxiety i had been on and off medicines but never really had stuck to it. I would have random outbursts of anger, and then snap right out of it. It would happen for days on end. Then I would be perfectly fine. I would go from angry to having so much energy I wouldn't sleep for days. In the fall of 2014 I decided I was going to see a doctor because I had been up for several days straight and I was having several other wild emotions. I did go see a psychiatrist, and it was determined I was bipolar. I was very embarrassed. I didn't want people to know, I thought "people are going to think I am crazy!" While talking to my doctor about it. He told me it took a lot of self pride to go to the doctor, and admit i needed to get help. I did eventually tell my parents. I have been on some medicine for quite some time now. I will say I am a lot better of now. I do have my days when I am just super energetic and feel like the energizer bunny! Along with bipolar I have anxiety really bad. I get nervous in crowds so i will get super quiet, I have this fear of losing people in stores, therefore I don't like to be separated from them. I am a people pleaser I want to please everybody and make sure everybody is doing good. I love to just help people and do kind gestures for them.  Along with this anxiety, I just constantly worry about getting on people's nerves, or talking to much. I do know its annoying. I always feel the need to apologize even when I haven't even done anything. I just feel the need. I am working on saying sorry to people. Being bipolar my mind just runs constantly. I go from thinking one thing and talking about one thing to talking about something else in a split second. When i lay down at night i have to tell my mind- Emma it's time for bed now time to shut down and quit thinking. I repeat this over and over until I fall asleep! I try to gather my thoughts, and stay on topic its pretty hard to do! I am normally always on a energy high though, I can go go go, and do, do, do. Eventually it does come crashing down and you just feel all these emotions. That is the hard part. I go weeks on weeks feeling great, trying to encourage people, trying to remain positive. When I come crashing down, its normally over something pity. I get down and out for maybe a week or two. During this time I am super quiet, I don't like to be around people, and I just like to ponder on it. I have learned pondering on it does no good. You just need to normally talk it out with a close friend or family member. You need to be able to trust whom ever you talk to. My family and close friends know I am bipolar and they are always there for me and lift me up when I am just down. I have learned a lot from this diagnosis. I don't let it define me. I try and encourage others who struggle with anxiety and bipolar. If i can be a listening ear and encouragement to someone, my gift is done. One of my gifts is to encourage people and just care for them no matter what. It has took a lot of self pride to admit my bipolar,but now i know what is going on with my moods, anxiety, and energy! Never be afraid to get help, don't let self pride get in the way.
This is the life of Emma!